The Good, the Bad and the Sleazy

The good is, I took Josh to another doctor, an older man, I think he is retired and just helping them out, but what a lovely fellow he is.  He was much more thorough and ordered and ultrasound and a blood test but thinks the problem is reflux.  I was skeptical at first till he explained it to me and now it makes sense.  He was really good with Josh and when I mentioned Josh's weight he quipped kindly that he, the doctor, was fatter.  He told Josh he needs to walk about 4km a day and even gave him a route to walk which is about that.  He prescribed some medicine for the reflux till we find out if that is really what it is.  So Josh will have his blood test tomorrow and the ultrasound probably next week when they come to Coota.  Afterwards we went and put the script in and then had a milkshake while we waited.  I am blessed with those children.  Emily continues to amaze me every day.  My instincts were right after all, I knew she'd come good eventually. 
The bad was, I was looking for a charger for an old mobile phone and looked in Phill's bedside drawer.  To my disgust I found a piece of paper with work jottings on it but also a (very long) list of what appears to be lesbian porn movie titles.  I was shocked, hurt and furious.  He knows how I feel about that stuff.  And why such a long list?  Where did he get these names from?  Was he sitting on the train with another sleazebag driver and they were discussing it?  I rang him, I was shaking, and his only defence was that he didn't remember doing it.  I photographed it and sent it to him.  Of course as usual, he got angry with ME and tried to make it about me looking in his drawer.  He swears he didn't look at any of them, but he is a proven liar and of course I don't believe him.  What is worse, is what else has he lied about to me?  What is wrong with me that he has to look at that stuff?  I rarely refuse him sex, and I thought in spite of everything, that we actually had a good sex life.  I feel ugly, old and unwanted.  I feel betrayed and cheated.  I feel that my marriage is finally over.  I told him when he gets back he has to buy a bed and put in the tv room because I don't want him near me.  I can't leave and I shouldn't have to, but things will never be the same and my resolve to leave when Josh finishes school, unless I can manage it before, is stronger than ever.
The kids know, I wish they didn't, but they have been so sweet with me all day.  It must be awful to know their father is like that, although Emily told me she's caught him watching porn before.
I feel so stupid, so stupid. 
But I also know I am way too good for him and I deserve, and will eventually have, way better than this.
Emily sent me this text today.
"You're an awesome mum and everything I will be is because of you!  You never gave up on me when a lot of other people did.  Some mothers don't even bother but you have always pulled through for me. 
When you're feeling sad or feel like you're not good enough just remember if it wasn't for you I'd be fucked.  I just really want you know how much I love you and how much everything you've done means to me.  I love you Mum."
How incredible is that?  It's stuff like that that makes it all worthwhile.
I'm hurt but I'm not broken.