Phill got home when I was in the shower. I knew he was home because even over the sound of the water running and the exhaust fan I could hear the thumping and door slamming, he rarely does anything quietly (unless it's ignoring me). I had made up my mind to be cheerful and engaged and I did do that. I listened to his renewed hints about moving up north. A company is offering generous relocation packages blah blah, heard it all before. I just told him to talk to Joshua. Me, I can be miserable anywhere and Emily isn't in school. Josh is settled as much as he can be and really, he and I aren't going anywhere, but I just humour Phill when he gets all nostalgic about his childhood in the northwest.
We sat out the back, it was so weird, we used to love sitting outside on the weekends, having a few drinks and talking and listening to music. But much of it yesterday was just sitting in silence, I had nothing to say to him, as anything I say lately gets ridiculed and he talks shit most of the time. Was he always like this and I just didn't want to see it, or have I just turned into an intolerant bitch?
The bbq caught on fire, most fun I've had in ages actually watching him try to put it out. It caught alight because of the fat tray thingie that has never been cleaned. The charred meat reminded me of my Dad's bbqs when I was a child, I just always thought that bbq meat was black, those charred sausages of my childhood, bitter carcinogens. There won't be anymore meals cooked on that, it's only just over two years old.
I really want to love him but I just don't anymore. I tried so hard yesterday to recapture what we had, to see the things in him that I used to see. But I guess, years of being belittled, ignored, and abused eventually erodes anything positive that existed in the beginnings of a relationship. Also, with age, I am far less adept at taking crap. From anyone. I had a conversation with Kate last night. She was shrill, I stayed calm and told her that while I don't expect her to be in touch every day I do expect her to return phone calls and try to maintain a relationship by being respectful and involved. She hung up on me, something she has never done. She'll get over it.
3 comments:
what about counseling ???? but sounds like you've thrown in the towel..
One of mine hung up on me once - last year - her and I bawled our eyes out that night and reconciled the next day - was only reconciled because we were in the same town - one day hope to meet you we seem to be on the same page a lot of the time
Everything changes, you've changed, he's changed so your relationship has changed. Often we coat our memories with a nostalgia that makes thing look better than they really were. Recapturing the past is very hard and you both have to be trying.
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