Remembering Sarah

Yesterday was seventeen years since my baby daughter Sarah died from SIDS aged four and a half months.  That photo was taken at Robertson, in the NSW Southern Highlands, on a family day out less than a week before she died.  We had a lovely day that day, the weather had started to warm up and we took a drive from our home in Campbelltown, south west of Sydney, and Katy had a ride on a pony then we drove on to Kiama and had drinks at a pub there.  Photos show Sarah relaxed and happy and smiling.  I miss her so much and wonder what she would be like today.  It's been such a long time and of course the early, crippling grief is no longer part of my everyday life and this is as it should be.  There are times though, even now, when I think about what happened and it all overcomes me and once again I am back in that horrifying moment when I found her dead.  Her birthday is more of a family thing for us but the anniversary, now, is a very lonely day for me.  Yesterday I needed to be alone and went for a drive to Young in the gorgeous Spring sunshine and thought about Sarah and talked to her as I do more often these days as somehow I feel her with me a lot, but not as the baby she was, as the young lady she would be now.  I lit her candle and bought some flowers as we had none ready in the garden, and set it up on the phone table in the dining room.  Her things are usually on the bookcase which in other houses has been in a living or hallway area but here it's in the movie room.

So it was a tough day this year but I got through it.  I was touched by Emily showing how she'd marked the day on her calendar and stuck a photo of Sarah on there.  These little flashes of the "good" Emily are what give me hope for her.

So Emily had her court mediation session yesterday and I did not go.  It was my small protest for how the whole thing has been handled, mainly leaving me out of the process and not heeding my insider knowledge of her problems and taking into account what I thought should happen to her.  Kate participated via a phone link and Phill said she was extremely impressive with her insight and how she described the incident and her take on Em's problems, and what should happen.  I talked to Katy herself last night and she was happy with how it went.  Phill and I are now "monitors" who have to make sure she continues to attend counselling and group and goes to school.  Yeah right.  It's all more bullshit and the only way to proceed now, in my opinion, is to just provide the right environment for her to do the right thing herself, and in my case, keep my distance when needed and protect myself.  No more "mother's cross" for me.

Yesterday she actually had a shower and did her hair and dressed nicely in clean clothes and behaved beautifully at group.  Yes I did go, my instincts tell me to see this through and as long as she doesn't try again to use it to manipulate I will do that.  She can be a delightful girl and really has so much going for her and guiding her, while still taking care of myself and Josh, will continue to be a minefield I know, but one I have no choice but to try to navigate safely. 

So the three of them are heading to Albury tomorrow to be with Phill's family.  From my perspective at least, it all seems really strange.  Family are coming from far and wide and from all reports it's almost like a party atmosphere building down there.  But I am really not part of that family, and they have ideas and agendas that I will never understand, or want to.  If it was me, I'm not sure I'd want the almost ghoulish "Waiting for her to Die" event, I think I'd just want my three younger kids with me, but then that is just me and of course, everybody is different.

I do hope I don't offend my mother in law by not going.  For all that we have had our differences over the years she is still my kids' grandmother and I care about her and respect her as that.  I really feel that it's not my place to go and I would be intruding.  The funeral will be another question, although no question for me I guess.  I have not attended a funeral since Sarah's, not even my brother's and pretty much have no intention of doing so.  Right or wrong that's just how it is.