Saturday and a Little Better

Today is the first time I have felt anything close to happy in a long time.  I haven't wanted to blog or do anything much but hang around in my pjs and veg.  I haven't even wanted to cook and that is very unlike me.  We had intended driving up north, just the kids and I on Thursday to look for a house and check out the school but Emily and I had words late Wednesday and Phill came out not knowing what was going on and just immediately blamed me.  Again.  I spat the dummy and told him he could stick his move north, I had serious doubts about it anyway.  I slept on the couch and the next morning he asked if we were going and I said no, Josh doesn't want to move and I can see no value in it at all.  The last few moves at least had reasons, we left WA to be closer to the family, we left Sydney to get the kids out of a very dodgy suburb and we left Junee for here for the same reason.  There is nothing wrong with this town and as I've often said I love our school.  Phill firmly believes there is more opportunity for the kids up north and also for him job promotion wise and I can't really argue with that.  Anyway he got really angry and cancelled his temp transfer so they sent someone else up.  We had a tense couple of days and ended up in Junee having lunch together and had a really good talk about everything.  We then talked as a family and have now decided we will go after all.  We have found a house we like and the real estate has said we can apply for it sight unseen which surprised me.  It's practically brand new, four bedroom with a family room, and very similar to others in the same street which is a new estate.  We have seen photos inside of those houses and they're all great.  I hope we get it as it's the only one really suitable.  I don't want to live in poky dumps anymore and we don't have to now.
Phill has been really nice to me.  He was never big on Mothers' Day or any occasion really but there has been much whispering and mysterious trips to the shops and today he said he wanted to take me somewhere really nice for lunch tomorrow because I "deserve it".  He also went looking for the crockpot I said I wanted and also a necklace but could find neither in Coota.  This is so not him.  But I truly appreciate him making an effort and I feel better for it.
Of course nothing has been resolved with Emily but it's pointless getting her assessed here and starting all that up now we could be out of here in a couple of weeks.  I'll wait and find out what our options are up north and just hope I can get her to school in the meantime.
I got a lovely card from Kate, also unlike her as she doesn't believe in these "money making holidays".  But she knows how much it means to me and I was touched.  It has a badge saying
something like "Best Mother in the World" and says I must wear it all day tomorrow.
I had to bail her out money wise again as she can't seem to stretch her monthly pay.  I don't blame  her as I hated monthly pay too when we had it but I told her she has to make some sort of budget or plan.  Gosh I was married with two kids and running a house when I was her age, she needs to get some common sense.  I secretly like helping her though as there's not a lot I can do for her these days with her so far away.
None of us have been eating right so today I bought a whole lot of fruit and vegies and made two kinds of juices in the juicer.  Pineapple, carrot and apple (kid friendly) and a beetroot, tomato, carrot, apple, orange and ginger for us.  I also pureed up a big batch each of broccoli and cauliflower and will put that into some taco meat with grated carrot and we will have burritos and nachos for dinner with lots of salad and some healthy guacamole.  I enjoyed pottering out there in the kitchen so I must be getting better.
Soon it was be packing time, I was actually going to start on the stuff on the top shelf of our wardrobe but I probably won't, still have the taco meat to cook and the kitchen to finish cleaning and it's 3pm already.
I didn't send my mother anything for Mothers' Day and neither did Phill.  Me because my heart wasn't in it and him because he's slack.  My sister thinks I'm mean, but I'm not the mean one.
So I must look at the positive.  We will have a really nice house (hopefully), be close to the north coast which we love, be living in a beautiful part of the state, closer to Brisbane and Phill's only brother and still close enough to Sydney to see the family.  I told him this is it now we can't keep doing this, and he agreed but he said that when we came here.
So tomorrow is Mothers' Day and I plan on having a really nice, happy relaxing day.  I have doubted my mothering so badly recently, really seriously doubted it but now I'm thinking straight I know in my heart that I have done all I can do for my children with what I have.  And they love me a lot so I must be doing something right.