Is it built in survival instincts? Maternal instincts to ensure the continuation of the species? I don't know, probably a bit of both and a lot else besides. I do know that I was more than ready to just give up, it was all just too hard. It seemed the harder I tried the worse things got, the more I reached out for help, the more I realised I was alone, I was it, it was all on my shoulders. It seems like I've been struggling for years now, just trying to claw myself out of the setbacks, the disappointments and the sheer bloody hard slog of being, pretty much, a single parent. I've had to deal with a very difficult teenager, and giving up a 25 year alcohol habit, as well as all the other day to day crap, pretty much on my own, without any support from anyone. And getting blamed for Emily's problems into the bargain, mostly by my own (absent) husband. There seemed no end in sight to any of it, no real solutions no matter how I turned it all over, and over in my head.
I'm not sleeping, having the horrible insomnia and night sweats so common in the menopause years. But amidst all my self pity I looked at those children and realised that giving up isn't an option. I also realised a lot of my struggling is to more to do with my state of mind than the circumstances. I've dealt with hard times before and come through stronger and better. Firstly I need to keep reminding myself that the kids didn't ask to be born to an "older" mother and that I have to do whatever it takes to keep myself able to keep up with them and deal with minefield teenage years.
So it's back to the doctor for my test results and I got a natural menopause supplement yesterday and am researching other things to help me. I really don't want to go on HRT even if that's what the doctor recommends. I want to try to manage my symptoms with diet and exercise with added vitamins and supplements if I can.
I need to take a different approach to Emily's school refusal. I contacted the Education Department on Tuesday and they seemed a bit uninterested. Beats me why they would bring in the recent law that says a child has to stay at school until they are seventeen if it's unenforceable. They said they would contact the school to have them put in a report but I've heard nothing from them since and nobody has talked to Emily. She'll be 15 soon. She needs to start taking more responsibility for her own future. If she refuses to go to school I'm not going to jump up and down and get despondent about it. I feel like I've exhausted all the avenues of help and support for her and there is little more I can do but just encourage her and make life as easy as possible to make her feel more happy and secure.
So I'm still depressed, sleep deprived and each day I get up feeling like crap but something in me is driving me on despite it all. That human spirit that gets people through a lot, lot worse than what I'm living.
Small wins though. I felt so awful yesterday morning that the kids happily walked themselves to school. I need to get them to do that every day. I will walk with Josh today as Emily has her mentoring. And Josh feels like he's aced his exams and is really happy about it. Emily failed woodwork horribly. She hates it with a passion, but chose it because she loved it at Junee and was really good at it, but she's stuck in a class where all the other students are boys and the teacher doesn't seem to want to show her how to do anything. The DP promised us that she could do cooking next year, but he's away at another school till the end of the year so I will ring up the acting DP today and remind him and tell him she must be allowed to change subjects. If I have to make a big noise to make school a bit easier for her then I will.
My dishwasher died yesterday. It was my first, and has been a loyal friend for over six years, has been to Western Australia and back, from Sydney to Junee to Coota and has never missed a beat till now. Phill may be able to fix it, he's due home today, but if he can't I'm surely going down and getting a new one. He spends so much money on crap and I won't do without anymore. I actually have half the money saved (he doesn't know heh heh) so it won't be such a huge expense. I found one yesterday here in town for a very reasonable price, a lot less than I actually paid for the same model here six years ago.
Another Royal Wedding. I know the royal family is pretty much redundant, even in Britain, in this day and age but they're part of our history as a Commonwealth nation. And it was weird to think yesterday, when I heard the news on the car radio, that I had sat and watched William's parents' wedding, all those years ago as an adult. I'm old.
And I have to stop worrying so much, do the best I can with what I have, and let the cards fall where they may.
3 comments:
Yes you do have to stop worrying and you need to forgive yourself for any past goings on.
Every day is a new beginning, we wake and start fresh!
Have you considered putting Em into Tafe..the whole environment is so different from school. They get treated like adults with respect rather than talked down to. Its a thought for you anyway. You can do year 10 or year 11 and 12 equivalent. A few people I know put their kids through that way and they settled in much better than school life. Less stress too as they don't have to do as many subjects all at once. Just an idea to think on. Don't give up! Your nearly there! HUGS XOXOXOOXOX
Remember those words our mothers told us?
When they are small we have little worries and when the are grown we have big worries.
You think they could have been right?
Ah Hell! We're mothers and only guilty of loving them and know what's best for them. :0)
I don't know how I would have handled my girls being teenagers when I was menopausal - they left home in 1994 when I was just 40 - I was hell to be with at times and it was hell to be inside me as well - seems to have lessened a lot this year for the first time since I turned 43 - just put one foot ahead of the other and do your best is all you can do - I have read all the effort you have put into being a wife and mother and you need not ever feel it was not enough - it has been phenomenally hard for you.
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