Renewal and Contemplation

Canola growing off Burley Griffin Way (taken from moving car).

Every year at this time, as another birthday approaches, I find myself feeling somehow renewed in different ways.  The warmer weather, although slow to come this year, the garden starting to bloom, the crops surrounding the township, all makes things seem refreshed, renewed and it rubs off onto me somehow.  I also seem to be a bit more contemplative.  Last year turning fifty was good, I had my party to plan and enjoy, and we moved house right after that to what we hoped was a better town and a better life and school for the kids.  This year I look back on what has not been the year that I expected.  The marriage meltdown in January when Phill seemed to be a different person, resulting in him being arrested, drunk, and the separation that followed, changed me, and changed our relationship forever.  The warm protection I had always felt from him was gone and it became clear that I only had myself to rely on, only I could make me happy, I was it.  I suppose in a way that is a natural progression.  During the years I was having and raising babies I needed him and we needed that protection.  Now I don't.  Those sweet years were the only time in my life that I could ever really rely on anyone to take care of me and it was good and allowed me to nurture my children and enjoy the time when they were small and so dependent on us.  They are growing now, and while they still need me, they need me less and less and in a few years won't need me at all.

I don't know where I got this fairytale notion of how my adult children would be, perhaps because I and my siblings always stayed in respectful contact with our parents even after we left home.  In some ways I still appreciate my mother's advice, wisdom and a listening ear.  The relationships with my four older children are pretty much non existent.  I tried with the oldest three, to bridge that gap that came from the debacle of their father raising them, and his insecure and stupid wife keeping them from me in spite of many court orders over the years.  I have tried to be supportive, loving, accepting, all the things I thought I should be, but still the distance remains.  I would have kept trying if not for the head games that seriously mess with my peace of mind.  I have never, ever been a game player.  What you see is what you get with me.  For some reason, perhaps because I've always been intelligent and quick witted, people think I have ulterior motives or something for the things I do and say.  Not true, and I find myself bewildered when other people play silly mind games, and don't say what they think and what they mean.  Perhaps the older three and I will never be close again.  Maybe they have been either brainwashed or damaged past the point of being able to allow me into their lives and hearts.  But how long do I let this hurt me?  And it does hurt me.  Life is so short, why can't we just enjoy each other?  It's not like I haven't encouraged them to express their feelings about what happened during their growing up years, I have given them opportunity after opportunity to do so and told them it's okay to feel resentful and hurt towards me, but let's just get it out there and help them heal. 
Kate is another mystery to me.  Now I raised her, and I thought I raised her well, with love, encouragement, acceptance and thought I had taught her to be a kind, empathetic person.  For her to just run off suddenly, at age 17 and never look back or seem to miss me, or our family, is so far from what I thought would happen with her that I still can't get my head around it, even four years later.

So with the companionship of my marriage non existent, he just seems to irritate the hell out of me most of the time, I can't help it, it's hard to find anything in common or any middle ground.  Have we ever had a halfway intelligent conversation?  Ever?  Coming out of an alcohol fog (almost four weeks now) lots of things look different to me.  And that hasn't been easy, but I've done it with no support whatsoever, none.  My counsellor has cancelled two weeks running, and while I will keep my appointment tomorrow, if she doesn't cancel again, I'm pretty well resigned that it's all up to me now.  I'm taking care of my health, big deal.  Just do it.  And I will.

So the answer now, is to find my own path again.  I have plans, small ones to begin with, but a beginning.  It's time for new things to come into my life.  New people perhaps.  From the outgoing girl with lots of friends and a great social life that I was when I met Phill over 17 years ago, to the person I am now, with no real support network is a result of many things, not least the constant moving about that we have done, that I have gone along with stupidly over the years, never knowing the damage it would do to both me and my children.  On a positive note though I think it's made us a bit more resilient and self reliant, but we could have got that in other ways I think.

Some might think me weak for staying in a marriage that is less than satisfactory, with someone I can't really relate to anymore, but nobody can make that choice but me.  What would I do anyway?  Where would we go?  Why should I take away the lifestyle that we have, which is mostly comfortable and secure for some nebulous principles, or to prove a point? 

Life is peaceful, there aren't any arguments.  He is still drinking but much less than he was.  Once the holidays are over he will go back to work and I assume start working away again, and life will go back to the peaceful routine that the kids and I got into in the last few months.  As long he comes home and takes care of what he needs to do in the house from time to time, I won't complain.

It looks like we can stay here indefinitely, and my plan to remain in this town until the children finish high school is unchanged.  What will happen then is anyone's guess.   My main aim for now is to carefully, and thoughtfully lay the foundations for my own future, without any of the knee jerk, implusive actions that have marred my past.

Well if you've read this far I guess I should reward you with a picture or something.  How about the worst song of all time?  If you have one that beats this I'd like to see/hear it.  But somehow I doubt it.