Yay Me!

Okay firstly I am going to state that I love my husband, for better or worse.  Divorce is not an option.  However, neither is "doormatship" (my word, clearly).

Yesterday I joined the U3A online, I am excited to do some courses, meet some like minded oldies and actually attend some lectures here in my home town.  I had to ring him as anything that comes out of the bank account online has to have his "permission", something he set up at the bank's suggestion when we separated briefly in January.  When he asked me what it was about I told him that I wanted to use my brain a bit, maybe better myself and meet people to stave off this loneliness that I am feeling with him being away all the time.  I was calm and matter of fact and he went off his head saying I was always "having a go" at him for working away.  Not true.  I don't like it, who would?  But I truly believe I am doing the best I can with what I have.  I am running this house single handedly, raising the kids, caring for the pets etc etc, and all without any adult company or conversation most of the time.  And one would think, he would be glad that I am putting into place things to keep me busy, stimulated and happy, thus not needing him as much.  I STOOD MY GROUND and refused to let him intimidate me.  When he started the outright abuse I said goodbye and hung up.
He rang last night, no apology or even mention of the morning's conversation.  I wasn't having it.  I told him he had no right to speak like that to me, and that I was merely stating a fact.  I am lonely.  I am.  But I am taking steps to address it.  I said my piece calmly but firmly and ended by turning one of his favourite sayings back on him, if he didn't like it HE could "do something about it".  He always says this to me by way of dismissing my feelings (ie telling me I can walk out if I don't like how things are).  He's a bully and I'm not going to take it.  I'm proud of me.  He is one of those people who is "hale fellow well met" to everyone but us.  The children are starting to notice it now too.  Everyone thinks he's this affable, charming person who is obliging and good natured.  If only they could see what he's like behind closed doors. 
And yet, and this is why I love him, he has some wonderful qualities as a husband and a father.  He is staunch, I know he'd never leave us, or betray me.  He takes care of me like nobody ever has, he does little thoughtful things that some people might not notice, to make my life easier.  He forgives my craziness, and the over the top things I do sometimes.  He accepts and loves me as I am.  As long as I don't rock the boat.  Life is certainly never dull when he is around. 
But it's time for me to get back to being me now.  I am strong, I am invincible, I am woman..........wait sorry I was channelling Helen Reddy there.  I know that I've dumbed myself down a bit over the years since I've been married to him, and I don't mean that he isn't smart.  He is, just in a different way to me.  I swear to God that man can fix anything, figure out how anything works.  He is highly regarded and respected in his profession, and has a sharp wit when I least expect it from him.  I'm a bit more airy fairy and a bit highly strung in that wanker, creative way.  I love my books and my classical music, good food and wine, thinking outside the square, trying to figure out what it all means, you know the type.  I remember, when we first met, asking that typically female question "what are you thinking about?"  His reply "Nothing.  I had my eyes closed".  It took me a while to accept that he truly could just be thinking of nothing. 
I guess it's a glass half full/empty kind of thing isn't it?  So deep for 3am.

The salmon, once we finally got around to cooking it, was amazing.  I don't know if it improved with overnight marinating but I was quite surprised at the flavour.  It was meant to be crispy, but I burned the skin.  We just ate the fish out of it and left the skin but even the kids cleaned their plates (and they'd been snacking all afternoon).  I served it with rice noodles stir fried in the leftover marinade for me and Em and Josh just had crispy fries, we all had salad and the kids ate all that too.  Considering the marinade was made up of bottled sauces it worked really well.  Fresh Atlantic salmon is not cheap, it typically costs us between $18 and $25 depending on whether Phill is here, but such a delicious and healthy meal.
Today I have to get my Thai pork balls into the slow cooker, and get to work on this house for the rental inspection tomorrow.  I have to explain why there is a big chunk of paint off the wall in Em's room (the cat did it but we're not supposed to have a cat, even though the landlady has met and admired said cat), and why the beige wool carpet has stains on it from the wood for the fire in the lounge room.  It's a challenge I have met many times.  I will burn some oil in my charming oil burner, light some lamps and distract her.  Perhaps she'd like some lemons from the tree?
I found a great recipe for Thai Creme Caramel that I might try tonight.  More later (of course, there always is).