She's Coming Home

I've had a shit nine days.  Every waking hour I have had this band of pain across my chest, I really believe our hearts physically hurt sometimes.  As soon as I knew she was coming home it just disappeared.  She texted me this morning to say she hated it there and just wanted to come home.  With a lot of difficulty we made it happen and tonight she is with my darling big sister Julie, having just flown across the country and will get on the train for home early tomorrow and will be in my arms by lunchtime and I will never bloody let her go again.  I know our kids have to leave us, it's the natural order of things, but we were railroaded into this, we all made mistakes and it just wasn't right.  She is 17, barely 17, but not a mature 17 and not ready to leave her mother yet.  There is nothing wrong with that.  Separation from the parental unit will happen in it's own time, and that time is not now.  And certainly not to be on the other side of the country.
Phill and I have decided that, whether we stay together or not, we will not be far from our children and will work together to make that happen.
We've all learned a lot from this.

Winter Blues

I have really been struggling, with Phill losing his job and the money worries, then Emily leaving and now Josh is sick.  I haven't had the energy or the motivation to do anything, but I had to snap out of it when Josh relapsed.  This morning I started ringing the medical centre at 8.45 when they were supposed to be open only to be told they were still closed.  I rang and rang, at one stage I had the landline in one hand and my mobile in the other just pressing redial.  I really didn't want to take him to Junee as if he needed tests we'd be running down there for that.  I finally got through after 9am and got the last appointment.  You can't make appointments ahead here, you just have to ring on the day and hope for the best.  Ridiculous rule.  Anyway I picked him up at school and we saw the doctor.  He gave Josh some new medication and told him that his diet is very important.  And he still needs to lose weight, he has lost some since he's been walking to school but he has a way to go.  Phill dropped us off because he had to get some stuff faxed off to the union regarding our fight to get his entitlements our of El Shonko.  I said to Josh, "why don't we walk home?" and he agreed so we walked down town and got his script and then walked home.  I got him to eat some raw carrot, and pureed and grated some vegies into our rissole mix for dinner.  I have to get his health on track, if he doesn't get any better he has to have the gastroscope and neither the doctor or I am keen on that. 
Emily made spaghetti bolognaise for her and Kate last night.  Never done that before and she would never even eat that when I made it.  How things change.  She reckons if she doesn't eat there she dies, funny thing.
So I felt better when I got home and I know I have to get out of this house more.  I'm going to try to walk every day, Josh finishes school for the term next week so he won't have the school walk, so we can go together. 
Phill goes away for two days, tonight, so I can get in and get some work done in the house.
Well dinner's done, Josh didn't eat much but he tried.  Phill has just left, it's freezing outside and we're on our own for a few days.  I had to chastise the girls for not making contact today, well I rang Emily and Kate grabbed the phone,  control freak that she is.  I told her I expect Em to check in at least once a day so I know she is okay, she gets free Facebook on her phone so it's not costing her anything.  I don't think I'm asking too much, she is barely 17 years old.
Anyway I'm not going to worry tonight, going to put on my warm pjs, get the dog and the boy settled in for the night and try to forget everything.  Or at least focus on the positive because there are positives.  Phill has a job, albeit not his ideal job, Em has a future, I hope, Josh got an award at school and there doesn't appear to be anything serious wrong with him, We got through the month without an income and I got a wok with my frequent flyer points.   And I don't fly!!!
I think it's starting to really sink in now that she's gone either for good, or for a long time.  Today when it was the time she would normally get up and come out looking for food was hard, then I saw a group of pretty, long haired schoolgirls around her age walk past the house heading for the tennis courts across the road.  Josh and I have been comparing notes, he says things then says "
Eems would have so got that", and I remembered our holiday to Batemans Bay which will probably be our last family holiday together.  The funny little notes and drawings she would leave around the place.  We enjoyed dinner and had a nice conversation and I remarked to Josh that nobody had told him to shut up or that the boys were eating too loudly.  He said "that was her charm".  Poor little thing.  I think it's harder on him, we still have him but he doesn't have her.  I am going to make an effort to spend more time with him and get him out of that room and away from all the devices.  He's a lovely boy and is growing into a lovely young man, he's going to make some girl very happy one day.
Well Max is warm in his little hut in the garage and locked up for the night, got the pjs on and the cats will get turfed out or separated if they don't stop their hi jinks.

Keep on Blogging

I know it helps me to get stuff out and I need to make a better effort to try to blog every day.  For me.
Josh got sent home sick this morning, he is still having stomach problems after the all clear from the helicobacter earlier in the year.  I suspect the virus has damaged his stomach lining and we need to get him back to the doctor tomorrow, if we can't get in here we'll drive up to Junee.  I went to the chemist to get him something for the reflux but all they had were tablets and he can't swallow them.  I rang the medical centre and couldn't get an appointment (of course) but asked if the doc could write a prescription and I could pick it up.  After a long day of waiting I finally rang and it had been done and Josh and I walked all the way up there, Phill has the car, then back down to town, got the stuff, got a few groceries and walked home, about 3.2km I reckon, we both need the exercise.  It's funny having just one child at home now, it kind of changes the whole dynamic of the family, Josh and I talked about it and he agreed, he misses his sister so much.
I took some clothes down to the post office to send over to Em, it cost a bomb but still cheaper than her replacing her good jacket, the pjs, undies and other stuff.  I rang her to confirm the address and she said the apartment is filthy.  She went to have a shower and had to clean the whole bathroom before she could.  Now this is my little grub, her room was always awful.  But she was disgusted at Kate's place, and it's a mystery because she wasn't like that when she was living with us.  Em went through the whole place cleaning, and I asked her why she never did it here and she replied "Because it was livable".  Wonders never cease.  Hope they aren't going to fight over household chores.  Secretly I hope they do, isn't that awful?  I just want her to come home, but that's not what is best for her right now. 
Phill isn't happy in his job, he's earning a lot less than in the other job, but that doesn't bother me at all, we can cut back, but he has to like his job.  I think he is going to apply for the trainer position with another company, but that will put paid to our plans to go west.  I really think things will work out as they are meant to.
I am feeling flat and unmotivated, not sure where my life is heading, but at least I got dressed today and went out, had to stock up on provisions this morning, the cats had run out of dry food and were NOT happy having a wet meal in the morning, so funny.
It's forecast that we'll get down to minus three tonight so I better have the kettle boiled for Max's hot water bottle. 
I just made a pork and veal penne bake for dinner, Josh had a little bit and Phill will probably have some when he gets home later tonight.  Everything tastes like cardboard.

I think It's Going to be Okay

Well my second youngest left home on Sunday.  Kate took charge and bought the plane and train tickets and all of a sudden Emily was on the train, me, her and Josh all in floods of tears, got a lot of stares but I didn't care.   My baby girl was leaving, for who knows how long?  I know she had to go, there is nothing for her here, to get a job in small country towns it's who you know, not what you know.  Not fair but that is how it is.  I have cried for three days in bed in my pjs, drinking wine (don't judge me) but today I talked to the girls on the phone and Emily sounded so happy and excited for her future, I realised this is not about me, it's her time to fly the nest and make her future and thanks to her wonderful big sister, she can.  And as soon as it's possible, we will get out of this one horse town, and go back to Western Australia.  So many more opportunities for all of us there.  Josh and I can get jobs, he will have an easier time of finishing school (the NSW Higher School Certificate is ridiculous compared to the WA equivalent).  And we will be near our two girls and our family can actually be a family again.  None of this can happen until after November/December when Josh will take his School Certificate exams.  His mates here are losers and I know they are dragging him down to their level, they sit in class and do nothing, but he is smart and clever and was always good at school like Kate. 
We also have to get out of this lease.  I don't like this house at all, it's so dark and damp and cold.  I will be able to market it though to find someone to take over the lease, I've done it before when we've had to.  Just turn on some lamps, light some oil burners, open all the curtains and cook something that smells nice and have the house immaculate and we'll be set.
My own big sister came to our rescue yet again (how many times has she bailed me out??) and met Emily at Sydney station, took her home for the night, then took her to the plane the next morning (she lives right near the airport in Sydney). 
The cats have been so clingy, it's amazing how they always seem to know when something is up.  Scout has been sharing his love between Josh and I, Josh has been crook with a sore throat so home from school (and he's sad too at his sister moving away), and has been a big lump on our laps when not attacking poor Harley (in play).   There are clumps of cat hair all over the carpet.  I need to get back into things tomorrow, post some things Em left here over to her, get some provisions and start to clean the house.  Josh is going to move into her room, as she has the ensuite and a bigger sleepout.  We're going to make it our weekend reno project and make his room into a home office for Phill and all his work paraphernalia.
It's all good and I will will put my big girl's pants on and deal with it.  Just like I did when Katy left.

It Could Have Been So Much Worse

Finally seeing an end to the anxiety that came with Phill losing his job.  Thanks to the money Matt gave us we have been able to pay our rent and the bank again this fortnight, and selling the boat is keeping us fed and bills paid, mostly.  Phill has started work, they called him out on Saturday night and he's worked every day since except for yesterday when he had his medical.  He won't get paid for another two weeks but we can get through that and then be back on track.  Heh heh, that's a pun, back on track, get it?  We won't be earning as much as with the old company (part of their problems I think) but a job is a job and now he has one.  It's amazing what you can do without when you have to and not even miss it.  We spend money on so much that is not necessary.  I've been buying marked down meat and we're still eating really well, I made an excellent Osso Buco with risotto Milanese the other night, got the meat cheap and most of the other stuff I already had.  I lived for years on a single parent pension on two occasions and know how to live cheaply but well and that has stood me in good stead for this.
Emily made Val a lovely batch of shortbread and a home made "thank you" card and she wasn't there when I took them over so I left them on the table outside her door.  Haven't heard from her since, hope we didn't poison her.  Em made a lovely card for Matt as well and I put a whole lot of school photos of Katy in it and posted it to him, he hasn't got it yet but I know he'll appreciate it when he does.
Just saw a piece on one of the local news shows  about the El Zorro situation.  We are so lucky that Phill got a new job, some of them still don't have one and no word on whether they will get their entitlements.  The company hasn't officially gone under apparently, we thought they had, so the workers can't access the Federal government funding.  One of our old friends is having to defer their mortgage and other payments, they have three young children.  I want to find out if they need anything and try to help them if we can, we've known them since they were just going out together.  But they are young, in their 30s and early 40s and have family nearby so hopefully they are being well supported.  So wrong that one man, one company can cause so much heartache for so many families and individuals. 
It's wet and cold here, and this house is so dark, it's like living in a cave, the only rooms with any decent natural light are the kitchen and the family room.  I am going to make a little space out in the family room with an armchair and table, and when we get a tv to replace the one that broke out there, I'll be set.  It's nice to know we're going to have an income again and can plan things. 
I really need to laugh, just laugh, thankfully my kids bring that to me.  They spent the afternoon making a new film.  They're in the dining room blocking access to the kitchen so I can't clean up after dinner (I have to cart dirty dishes way out to the laundry where the dishwasher is) but who cares?  They are creating, they got out of the house, they are doing something together.  Can't wait to see the finished product, they wouldn't let me look over their shoulders.
I have a very smart cat.  Harley, who was never an affectionate cat even as a kitten, has taken to getting up on the bed with me at night when I'm watching tv and even letting me pat her.  Amazing.  We have spray bottles that we use to discipline them, if they are meowing around my feet in the kitchen they get a spray, or if they try to go through bins, or are being too rowdy.  I don't even have to spray Harley, she only has to see the bottle and she's off.  Yesterday it was sitting on the edge of the wall unit in the dining room and I turned around to see her trying to paw it off onto the floor.  So funny, I don't know what she was going to do once she got it off.  Hide it?  Throw it in the bin?  Smart girl that one.
Oh dear, it's much later now and the Ferals are still sitting there.  *sigh* guess I won't be able to do the clearing up till tomorrow.  Bugger.

Onward

Yes Lottie we did drink the shiraz and it was excellent.  The eggs?  Well tonight I made Prawn Omellettes and fried rice so used up ten eggs!
Phill found out he starts work on Monday now, not sure if the union put some pressure on them to get the boys started sooner rather than later but it's a relief to know we are on the way to having an income.
And we sold our pretty little boat.  We got the price we asked, but it was a bit sad.  The guy was supposed to come at 4pm, Phill and I were in the supermarket when I rang Em for something and she said the guy had come already.  Phill left me and raced back home, but then I realised I would have too many groceries to walk back.  I took my time wandering around but then left the trolley with one of the girls I know there and walked home in the drizzle and got the car and went back and picked up the shopping. 
The boat sale will keep us afloat for another couple of weeks.  We did love that boat, but we didn't take it out once all last Summer.  We will get another boat one day.  Keeping the family fed and housed is way more important.
There is some hope that Ray Evans, the barstard who caused all this will get what he deserves.  I hope he sees jail time but at the very least he should lose some of his assets like we have had to, to pay out his staff.
It's so nice to finally start to have some hope again and feel somewhat normal.
Kate handed in her resignation from Target, but as I suspected they fell all over themselves to offer her something to make her stay.  For what it's worth.  They've offered her a job, doing much the same as what she is doing now, at the Kalgoorlie store.  But the sweetener is that the current manager is pregnant and going on maternity leave so Kate will get her job.  Kate wants Emily to go with her, they can share a place and Kate can get Em a job.  I think it's a good idea mostly, I really don't want Emily to leave home, because like Kate, she will never come back.  And I'm a bit worried about Kalgoorlie which is a wild west country town in the middle of Western Australia, an old mining town.  But this is her only chance to get work and start to live her life as a young adult. 
We are thinking we will have to move to a bigger town ourselves when Josh has finished Year Ten, I really don't want to move him, but there are no opportunities here for either him or me work or education wise.  Time will tell.  If I have learned anything from this experience it's that things will unfold as they are meant to.  We are so lucky, someone is surely watching over us.  I just hope all the other families who lost their livelihoods are doing okay too.
Emily made a beautiful thank you card for Val and we're going to make her some of our family recipe shortbread tomorrow and take it in for them.  Who doesn't like shortbread, right?  Especially ours!

Strange Days Indeed

I thought I had pretty well seen everything in my 53 years of a very interesting life but the events of the past few days have opened up my eyes and made me see a side of humanity that has amazed me.
Matthew gave us a gift that absolutely saved our arses.  He won't hear of us repaying him, saying that we raised Kate and it's the least he could do.  We were able to pay our rent and catch up on our loan repayment as well as have some left over for living expenses.  And he has been so gracious about it all.  I wasn't sure how to tell Phill about it, I really thought he would freak out.  Kate told me to tell him it was her who gave us the money, but I wasn't going to lie (and she couldn't have afforded the amount we were given anyway).  Phill took it really well, and was so grateful to Matt.  Matthew and I have been in contact since last year and our relationship is good, as parents to Kate, who he has really made an effort to get to know and form a bond with, and in my opinion, he is family and always will be. 
Phill's parents also gave us some money and yesterday, on Phill's 54th birthday, I decided we'd had enough worrying and wondering and took him to the club for a burger.  It only cost us about $9, as he had a birthday voucher from the club and it was really nice to just get out of the house and try to forget about things for a while.  Four or five of Phill's ex colleagues were there and it was good for him to share what was going on and they were all sympathetic and kind.  Most of us are just a bad decision away from losing our jobs and everyone really gets that.  We couldn't give Phill a present, he bought some new shoes with some of the money his parents sent, but he wouldn't even let me buy him a card (he really doesn't care about stuff like that).  Emily made three gorgeous cards for him though with her scrapbooking stuff, she did a wonderful job and he really appreciated it.  I have a photo of them but my camera is out on the dining table and Harley has decided to sleep under my chair here and if I put the footrest down I'll crush her.
The company was finally declared bankrupt on Tuesday.  This means the union can now apply for some Federal funding to get at least 75% of the staff entitlements, which is not just wages, but holiday pay, long service and superannuation. 
Barstard Ray Evans has created a new company which we suspect has been receiving funds for a year or so from our old company.  Worse, two people who we considered friends at one time, and had in our home many times, seem to be in bed with this arsehole and stand to profit from our misfortune. 
Our union guy has been amazing, he rang Ray Hadley, a well known radio talk show host to tell him of our plight, and from that many people got on board to try to get some action happening, and last night the story of El Zorro's demise was lead story on the local Prime news. 
Our neighbour, Val, seems to think we're on the breadline, no matter how often I tell her we're okay and not going to starve.  She came over yesterday afternoon with the promise of two dozen more free range eggs from her Ukrainian friend from Stock, as well as some oranges apparently.  And then later, after I told her we'd be watching the State of Origin football game last night she turned up at the door calling out "Go the Blues!"  with a cheesecake, some boozy fruit cake, a bottle of eight year old Shiraz, and three cans of soft drink for the kids.  I keep telling her to stop giving us stuff, we will be fine but she is unstoppable. 
It's 20 to five in the am, and I've been awake since about 2.30.  I gave up trying to sleep and came out and did some work on the rug I'm crocheting for Emily and turned on the tv.  Phill was snoring anyway, and now I'm sat here with Harley under my chair and Scout on the lounge beside me, both snoring too.
Stress has had some interesting effects on me.  I can never eat when I'm upset/worried, so I've lost weight, it can't be helped it's just the way I am.  But also I seem to be off balance, literally, I keep losing my balance when I'm walking.  Not going to panic, I've had nausea and upset stomach as well, and all are symptoms of stress.  I just need to take better care of myself and have some time out from the worry etc.  Going to the club yesterday was the most normal I've felt in a couple of weeks. 
I know this experience has made me more empathetic and concerned about people in hard circumstances and wanting to give, and help when I can and I have plans to do that.  The kids have been wonderful, they are spoiled rotten I know that, but when times are tough they really shine.  Emily has lifted our spirits with her wit and charm, she just cracks us up every day, and Joshua has been a little trooper, getting up and going off to school every day without complaint.  While we were out yesterday, they decorated the dining room with balloons and streamers for their dad.  We had some party food when we got home, then made home made pizza.  Phill and I watched the footy, but I only lasted half way through and went to bed (which is why I'm up now!) but the Blues won as we knew they would (and about time).
We think we have a buyer for the boat after a couple of crackpot offers.  Phill goes for his medical on Wednesday next week and might have some work before then with the Mickey Mice. 
I had to fish Harley out from under my chair so I got my camera.

Emmy's cards for her daddy.

It's all going to be okay.