I haven't felt like blogging, I've been busy still trying to make this big old house into a comfortable home, worrying about Emily (so what else is new?), and thinking and wondering what could have been. I know that is a waste of time, what is now, is and there is no changing that. Oh dear, I'm being cryptic and vague aren't I? That's my new pet hate on Facebook, people who make cryptic status updates without explaining what the fuck they're on about. Arggghhhh.
I am in touch with Matthew, my daughter Katherine's biological father, every day, of his doing not mine, he texts me every day, several times a day and we talk several times a week on the phone, late at night. It's like the last 24 years never happened, they just melt away when we talk and everything is as it was back then. Which is not right, he was just 21 and I was 28 and there were many reasons why it didn't work out for us. But we loved each other, oh boy did we. And that love has changed, of course it has, I have married in that time and had four more children and he has grown and developed into someone who I now admire and respect. I believe, more and more, that if I wanted it, we could reunite, he is very keen and now realises, as I did a long time ago, that I am the love of his life and he made a huge mistake letting us go. But that is not going to happen. I do love my husband, in spite of how difficult he is to love at times, and we have a shared history, and these children to finish raising, and I am loyal to a fault. So this whole thing is really hard for me, I don't want to sever contact with Matt, he is Kate's father. And we are friends. There was unfinished business between us that is being taken care of now.
Mothers' Day was lovely, the kids and Phill spoiled me with breakfast in bed and lots of presents. Phill even managed to curtail his trademark selfishness for a while that day, a miracle in itself. He doesn't like anything being about anyone else but him.
I wasn't happy in this place, I miss the old house and how comfortable it was there, but I'm feeling better the more I get everything into place. Our neighbours are lovely, Val brought me in some potatoes and chokos the other day from her brother's farm. I am not a fussy eater but choko was one vegie I just couldn't come at as a child, in the days when kids were made to stay at the table until they finished their meal (child abuse in my eyes). It's a family story how I pulled out my mother's choko vines at our home in Yagoona. I had to stop myself laughing when Val handed them to me.
Today is my grand daughter Jenna's first birthday. I didn't hear from Alison on either her anniversary on ANZAC Day when I texted her to wish her a happy one, nor on Mothers' Day when she usually rings me. Kate didn't ring me either which hurt me. So I'm guessing I won't be seeing my grandchildren any time soon. But yesterday, to my utter delight, I received an invitation to my great niece Lily's first birthday which is also this week. My niece in law is such a lovely girl, she wrote on the back of the invitation that she would understand if we couldn't come as we're so far away, but she didn't want me to feel left out. And that is exactly how I feel a lot of the time about my family in Sydney. Made me cry a bit. I wish I could get up there and I just might, who knows, I'd love to see my sister's grandkids, two of whom I haven't yet met in person, including Lily.
I did talk to my mother on Mothers' Day, and that went pretty well.
I am excited to start my uni course at the end of the month. I have some ideas where I want to go after I've finished it, and it doesn't need a university course as such, but a TAFE course and I would love to do it. I worked in real estate in my earlier life and loved it, and would love to do my real estate certificate and try to get back into that field. You must work at what you love.
My hair looks like I stuck my finger in a light socket and I need to lose weight. So there you have it.
3 comments:
What is it with the light-socket-hair-style?? I'd say it must be that time of the year, except we're in different hemispheres with different weather patterns blah-blah. Ah well.
Regrets and wondering what-could-have-been are probably the most difficult things to deal with as we get older. I try to let those feelings motivate me now to make changes.
I'm glad you're settling into the new house. Moving is fricking hell, isn't it?
I'm soooooo excited for you going to University! Good for you!!
Trish, even though I'm old enough to be, I don't want to come off as your mother. I am your friend.
Just recently I was privy to this same situation (even though a child wasn't involved) and the hurt her husband suffered was tangible, even to me. Steve's trust in his wife Debbie ( Ed's(59 yr old daughter in TN ) was destroyed...he felt/feels like he had been cheated on. I was very uncomfortable my last visit there in March, as he had recently found out by the phone records and he confronted her about it.
Have no real advice on how to handle those emotions that have been stirred. I'm not so old that I still don't need to feel WANTED and can remember those days of yore that WERE All That and MORE!
THOSE were the days my friend! I shit you not!
(((hugsssssssssssssssss)))
Hahahahah "My hair looks like I stuck my finger in a light socket and I need to lose weight. So there you have it." so funny
Sometimes I look around myself and wonder how on God's earth did I end up here - and I sure get a case of the "if onlies" - Mine is mainly "If only Don didn't go to work that day" the girls still would have turned out nice people, and Don would have still been a nice guy - but then we have learned so much that sadly but as well luckily is denied to most...I know he would not be alive now had he not been killed by RNSH as everything was breakings down.
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