Who Am I?

I'm afraid I have forgotten, it's like my identity has been buried under all this crap with Emily and now the shaky foundation that is my marriage.  Phill just spent the whole day being angry yesterday, I can completely understand why, he has opted out of family life for so long, hiding behind his job and putting his hand up to go away for weeks at a time when he really didn't have to (although he always lied and said he did, he must think I'm really stupid).  It was easy to just blame me for everything that went wrong while he was away, especially the issues with Emily.  Now, however, he is seeing things for what they are, and seeing her for who she is.  And who she is just isn't very nice most of the time.  It's hard to say that about my own child but it is true.  They talked to the principal and of course, once again, it was just a whole lot of talk, he told them it was out of the question for Emily to go to TAFE and that she must return to school.  Of course he is going to say that, I know for a fact, and it's in black and white on the TAFE official website, that under special circumstances and with permission from the school principal, and parents, a child under school leaving age and who hasn't finished year ten, can in fact enrol in TAFE.  Surely that is better than not getting any education at all?  Principal offerred all kinds of liasons, protection from the girls threatening Emily blah blah blah, I've heard it all before.  She said she would return to school tomorrow (today) but I know she won't and we're back to square one.
EXCEPT that I cannot go on living with the stress and anxiety.  I need to somehow back away and distance myself.  I don't know what else to do to help her, every day I just see her future slipping further and further down the drain and nobody else seems to able to see it or even care.  Phill just reacts with anger.  When I again suggested we take away her computer and Ipod, he accused me of  wanting to "get back" at Emily.  That sort of childish behaviour is his MO not mine, silly fat man.  He did his usual thing last night of sitting staring at the tv screen drinking beer,  I cooked dinner and called the kids to come and get theirs.  He just sat.  So I threw out what was left, don't know what he ate but I'm sure he didn't go hungry.  He wouldn't know the meaning of the word.  He eats for Australia that man and he's a heart attack and/or stroke waiting to happen.  He's bigger than ever and all puffy in the face.
I realised yesterday how much I have lost myself.  I had to get out of the house so I drove up to Young as I need a new Winter coat.  The one I have I bought when I was pregnant with Emily.  I like driving alone, especially on long country roads where I can relax a bit and think my own thoughts.  I got a really nice black trench coat (in case I ever want to go flashing).  As I drove home a James Taylor song came on the radio and apart from absently tapping along with my foot (which was on the accelerator and then I wondered why the car was hopping) I realised I don't even listen to my favourite music any more.  I really don't have anything for myself these days except my dodgy computer and the scant online life I have within it.  While Emily is ensconced in her room, and this doesn't look like changing, I can't really go out and do anything.  She can't be trusted.  She finally admitted yesterday that it was her who stole Josh's phone, I knew all along she had done so and given it to Spittin' Kim, but she continues to lie and says she took it to school and Kim "grabbed" it from her.  Bullshit.  At the time Kim had had her phone taken away from her for punishment so couldn't be in contact with Emily.
I am glad I hadn't given her phone back to her and I won't be.
Where this will all end I don't know.  The perverse part of my nature is almost enjoying watching Phill struggle with all of this after so long struggling with it on my own, with no support and no help from anyone, and being blamed for it into the bargain.  The saddest thing is what will happen to Emily.  The relationship between us is damaged, I hate being lied to, it's a real, deep betrayal to me.  And she lies as easily as she breathes.  I told her yesterday that the thought of going back to school is probably a lot worse than what the reality will be and she just needs to face it and get past it.  She just replied "You have no idea".  No I don't, because she won't tell me, or anyone what is really going on.
I walked out onto the front balcony with my cup of tea yesterday and drank in the amazing view and realised I need to take pleasure in simple things again.  I can't change how things are, I have done everything I can think of to do that, but my life goes on and it's way too short to be unhappy and anxious all the time.  I am not giving up on Emily but I just don't know what else to do to help her right now.
On a happier note, Josh came home in good spirits on his first day of term three.  He talked about the Facebook drama, where Emily hacked into his account and sent abusive messages to people at school.  We had already contacted all of them and apologised and explained before shutting down his page, but a couple of kids still said things to him yesterday.  He told me he calmly explained to them what had happened and once again apologised and they were fine with it.  I was so proud of his mature approach.  And I am still so angry with Emily for doing it to him in the first place.  And she's still denying it.
I am so glad that so many people we have dealt with since Emily's arrest have remarked on Phill's being away all the time, even his own father said it to him, and that he took that on board and has just been doing his normal jobs lately.  If nothing else, it is making him see the real picture here.
I have to make changes happen for myself, to get back to doing the things I enjoy.  That is being creative, keeping as calm and happy a home as I can, keeping it clean and well run (that has always been important to me with or without husband and kids), getting into the garden, I am going to enjoy planning our Spring plantings and getting the garden bed ready for that.  To listen to music again.  I am really feeling the need to give back somehow, to do some volunteer work, get out into the world again.  So hard to change old habits, and often it takes a crisis to force that.
Fuck, you know what?  I am so sick of these words.....crisis, anxiety, worry, anger, stress....it's time to change the dialogue.  This family needs a leader, and Phill clearly isn't up to it, maybe it's time to lead by example.  Maybe that's who I need to be.