Who would have thought they would be financial ties? Not me, when I foolishly rushed into this union almost twenty years ago. I get frustrated at people who whine about their lives and never DO anything about it. I see myself as one of those people. Or at least I did. I am in a miserable marriage, as much as I pretend that it isn't at times, and I am selling out I know I am, on the values and beliefs I held before this nightmare. The fact is, I have no income, and no means, for now, of getting one, and still have two children who are dependent on me for love and care.
Last night I was having hot flushes, so I went out and sat on the front verandah for a while to cool off, it is REALLY cold here. Next thing I knew I was locked out, and no amount of banging and ringing the doorbell roused any of the three people inside. I know Phill did it deliberately, he does things like this, who knows why? When I started making so much noise that the neighbours were alerted he finally let me in and said he was in the toilet or the shower or something. I was dressed only in a pair of pjs with nothing on my feet. What an arsehole. He is incapable of shutting a cupboard door, or pushing a chair in yet he suddenly had to lock all the doors? Fuckwit.
This morning my uni paperwork arrived. I am excited. I need to get some folders to put it all in, there is a lot of work there. This, to me, is the tiny start I need to get my life back again, to get out of here and back to work and supporting myself and the kids if need be.
I also think that the workshop I'm doing for SIDS and Kids next week in Sydney, will be a good thing to start me on my way to my new career whatever that will be. I am not too old, I am determined to make a better and happier life for myself where I can be productive and not at the mercy of an abuser like my husband. It's sad really, he does have some good qualities, but the level of anger and abusive behaviour has driven all of us away from him. Kate won't even speak to him, if he answers when she rings she just hangs up. How could I have fooled myself for so long that I had a happy marriage? I can't talk to him about anything, he is totally self obsessed. If I try to tell him I am unhappy he just says "You're always unhappy". Not true, I can feel quite happy. When he isn't here. Thank goodness he is going to Melbourne tonight.
I know it seems materialistic but I am not going to leave everything behind and start again, I've done that twice before but was much younger then. I will grin and bear this till the time is right and then I'm out. I will get half of his superannuation when we finally divorce and that will set me and the kids up a bit for the future. He might have enough left over to get a mail order bride or something. Poor girl.
1 comment:
Been in your shoes, felt the same way you do, so you will get no "sister talk" from me this time.
I can feel your desperation! YOU was me!
What we mothers do...for our children!
Even now I can look back and feel that same trapped feeling like the life I was leading was a vicious circle. I compare it to a hamster running on one of those wheels. No End to it...but I am here to tell you that THERE IS!
Life is too short to be miserable. I shit you not!
The day will come when you can see your way clear to make that big leap, of that I have no doubt. It's scary... (((hugs)))
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