High Anxiety

I spent all day yesterday in a state of anxiety, for no apparent reason other than hormonal.  It got to the stage by the afternoon that my chest was actually hurting.  I never believed it could happen like that and always thought other people who complained of it were wimps or hypondriacs (tolerant aren't I?)  But it seems like my body has been taken hostage by the beginnings of menopause and there is little I can do about it.  I had to talk to both of my sisters yesterday and was telling my oldest about what was going on (I started crying on the phone, another maddening symptom) and that I was trying supplements and a cream etc and she basically said don't bother and that she tried everything and just had to let the whole thing run its course.  She is nine years older than I am. 
They have organised for Mum to spend Christmas in Sydney, staying in a unit subsidised by the War Widows organisation of which Mum is a member and has served as local secretary and president in her area for many years.  She can't stay at either of my sisters' places as one lives in a first floor unit and the other in a house with lots of steps and Mum can't do stairs.  My oldest sister will take Mum to my niece's for Christmas Day which will be really nice for Mum.  One sister will drive down and pick her up and the other will take her home.  Me, I get off with doing nothing and no more feeling guilty about Mum being on her own down there, even though she gets many invitations each year from family and friends.  I thought of trying to go up to Sydney but it's not going to be easy right on Christmas, both money wise and also fitting in around Phill working.  I also had to talk to my second oldest sister and tell her I can't cope with planning the family reunion in February (that I had offered to do a while back) as I'm just not coping with any stress or extra responsibilities at all right now and have to cut back to the very bare mininum.  She was fine with that and said she'd take care of it, so hopefully that will go ahead and I will get to see Mum and my nephews and their babies and my daughter and grandson then.  Kate is even talking about coming over as she has holidays around that time.  She rang me last night to vent about her transfer to another store where they have seemingly sent her to "fix up".  She said it's a terrible mess and the staff are really hopeless.  It's a challenge for her though and she will rise to it.
After all the carrying on trying to find the recipe for the boiled fruit cake that I always make at Christmas, I sent the call out on Facebook and went on recipe forms asking if anyone had the book that I lost with the recipe in it, rang my mum and my sisters etc, I found it yesterday in my computer.  I must have had the presence of mind to type it in when I was working on the recipe book I'm doing for Kate, but I had titled it Christmas Cake so when I looked through my documents earlier just thought it was another recipe I'd lifted from somewhere.  I'm such a dill sometimes.  So I soaked my fruit and some macadamia nuts with the sugar and spice, and instead of brandy this year, I used dark rum.  I will never go back to brandy, the rum gave it such a rich flavour.   I'll probably make another one closer to Christmas with fresher dried fruit, the stuff I used yesterday I'd had in the pantry since last Christmas.  I want to try the chunky fruit and nut topping that has a toffee type glaze on it.
Nobody has phoned about the kittens yet and they're driving us crazy.  We can't put them out in the shed because it's just too hot, they'd cook out there.  I did a bit of sorting out and throwing away yesterday but I have no heart for cleaning while everyone is at home.  It will have to be done though.
I posted off presents for the little boys yesterday, I had to put Harvey's in a huge box as it was just too big for a padded postbag.  I got them a Lego set each, and matching Spiderman pyjamas, so cute.  I also got them a personalised book each, it's a Christmas story but has their name and mentions where they live and their friends etc.  Mum got Kate one years ago and she loved it.  I felt so good sending them off, made me feel like a real grandma which I don't often, as I see them so seldom.  I rang Ali last night to tell her I'd sent them and to watch out for them and told her what I'd got and she was really pleased.  Got my Christmas cards posted too so that's all done.  I don't send many these days and only to people I really care about.
There goes the heart pounding again, I think I'll go light all the oil burners with some relaxing oils and make myself some herbal tea.